I had follow up #2 today with my neurologist. It went, decently? My incision and structure of my spine look great. Everything is remaining intact and nothing seems to be rejecting anything. So that’s a win. She was impressed with the strength I’ve been gaining back, and the atrophy is starting to become less visible. Yay! I am only experiencing numbness on the outside of my calf. I can live with that.
She let me take a photo of what they took out of my back. It’s at the bottom of this post. It looks like a demon. I’m not joking. I’m glad I have a cross tattoo because I’m pretty sure that’s what saved me from crawling out of a tv. So if you don’t want to see that I suggest slowing your scroll before you get to the last paragraph. (That paragraph reminds me of the book The Monster at the End of This Book, a Boom childhood favorite.)
Anyway, Dr Cui took X-rays today to make sure nothing was jacked and determined that this whole S/Witch/annoying pain is caused by a muscle spasm. A “badass” one. Direct quote. She recommended chiropractic care, which coming from a neuro was a shocker. But it will help to release the kraken’s lock on my back. She also recommended massage. Oh darn. I plan on making those plans tomorrow.
I am fighting a bit of the mental battle today, struggling with looking like a weirdo, feeling like shit, and generally being angry at the world. I’ve let myself nap, gave myself delicious pizza, even if it’s not really in my diet (not that I’m following one, other than STOP FUCKING EATING YOUR FEELINGS #fatjammer) but it helped. Stretching and heat are my friends. So is bourbon too, but only a bit, as bourbon and muscle relaxers aren’t really supposed to be used together…but hey, what doesn’t kill you, amiright?
This journey is teaching me one thing. Don’t get mad at yourself for being a human. It’s ok. Giving into a temptation of pizza is ok too sometimes. Just not everyday. It’s why it’s called treat yo self, not normal life. And be thankful.
A lady in the waiting room today was staring down the barrel of paralysis. She had been in the hospital for Christmas, New Years and thanksgiving. I got to spend those days with people I love. She didn’t. I am able to say, this will eventually go away. She can’t. But she looked me square in the eyes when I told her “I am so sorry for all you’ve been through” and told me “I am still alive. I am able to see my kids and my grandkids, sweetie it could always be worse. God is good, I have been blessed and I have a good life. It can always be worse.” That lady knows her shit. And she will be in my prayers everyday, even if I never got her name. And she’s right, it could be worse. I am counting my blessings tonight.
Gah, teary eyes make it hard to type. I think that Dr. Cui took out my feeling suppressor. Anyway, below is a photo of the demon for your enjoyment.